Here's EXACTLY why we need to share more about neurodiversity-affirming supports
I recently received an email from a parent.
And it got me really fired up.
So I think it’s important that we talk about it.
The email was describing a situation happening at school for their autistic child who is in elementary school.
The parents were (rightfully) expressing their concern as their child’s name was being placed on the classroom board for all to see because they were “not listening”, which resulted in their child’s free play time being taken away from them. And this didn’t happen just one time. It was happening frequently.
My heart sank when I read about this classroom management strategy, but especially for a child who experiences the world differently. And my voice was shouting inside my head - “WHERE IS THE UNDERSTANDING?! THIS SHOULDN’T BE LIKE THIS! THERE IS SUCH A BETTER WAY TO SUPPORT THIS!!”
Because what compliance-based and punishing actions like this leads to... is shame.
Feelings of defeat. Of constantly doing things wrong, even if they are trying their best (because ‘best’ looks different for everyone, and also constantly varies).
Their needs not being recognized or met.
And in the longer term picture this negatively affects a person’s well-being and their sense of belonging.
The child even told this to their parents, directly expressing that they felt embarrassed.
So here’s the problem with this…
When we view a child’s actions (like choosing ‘not to listen’) from a perspective of willful disobedience, we are missing the bigger picture and an opportunity for support and real learning.
As Ross Greene reminds us, “Kids do well if they can. If they could do well, they would do well.”
In this case, the teacher was focused solely on how to get the child to follow what everyone else was doing, or the ‘group plan’ of the classroom.
But really, that’s the teacher’s plan. Not what the child is clearly demonstrating they need support with to get their needs met.
And when we focus there, on getting them to do what we want- we MISS this huge important opportunity to look at the foundations of support. What does this child ACTUALLY need in this moment?
I can tell you with certainty that it’s not to be publicly shamed for doing things differently and needing different accommodations.
Instead… we could think about WHY the child is experiencing challenges during group activities.
What would change if we reframed our thinking from, “How do I get this child to listen to me?” and instead to: “What support might this child need from me right now?”
We can start by looking at the underlying reason beneath the action. Getting curious, and using our Wonder Why’s.
Yet, the key here is that it’s from the child’s perspective.
And in order to do that, we need to understand more about autistic ways of being.
Do you remember this from the introductory workshop?
LENSING → INTERPRETATION → RESPONSE
When we build our understanding of these differences, we shift our lensing, which impacts our interpretation of actions, and ultimately shapes our responses when interacting together.
Then from here we can start to ask stronger questions.
Do you also recall the learning block tower from the workshop?
We can think about questions like:
Does this child feel safe in my care or in this environment?
How can I support their feelings of safety?
Are their sensory and regulation needs met?
How can I incorporate their interests and ways of learning to support engagement in activities?
How can I support their communication and executive functioning skills to help them participate more fully?
I also want to point out that I truly feel the teacher is doing the best with the knowledge they have. They are only doing what they have been shown to do in the past. But what would change for this child if they felt truly connected to their teacher? That the teacher was on their side? Confident that their teacher understood them and could help them get their needs met?
That’s why this message of neurodiversity-affirming approaches is SO important to keep sharing and spreading. We have the opportunity to do so much better for the autistic children in our care. And this is why we hope YOU will continue to spread the importance of understanding autistic differences so that others can shape their responses towards them.